Paraprosdokian? Or plain ‘ole common sense?

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A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I hope you enjoy these!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Diet and Exercise?

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Some smiles for your day

Thanksgiving is over. The turkey leftovers are almost gone. There are only one or two pieces of pumpkin pie left in the refrigerator. Just enough for one or two more breakfasts.

Now there is no excuse. I have about twenty seven days till Christmas. My annual diet time. Lets see, if I can lose half a pound a day that would be about thirteen pounds. Perfect.

I think I read that to lose one pound you have to eat 3500 calories less than you burn. That would be 500 calories less per day for a week. So to lose two pounds a week that means I would have to eat 1000 calories less per day. Uh oh. Is that possible?

Actually over the years I have tried every diet known to man. Unfortunately I can no longer eat grapefruit, due to my medications. Too bad, as the grapefruit diet was one of my favorites.

Of course there is always the lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper drink diet. You squeeze the juice of a lemon, add some real maple syrup (not Log Cabin), a few dashes of cayenne pepper, fill the glass with cold water and drink this “lemonade”. You can have as many glasses per day as you want. Ideally you should do this for a week.

I usually last till dinnertime on the first day.

The best diet I ever went on was in 1979. I started this regimen the Monday after Thanksgiving. With the help of a nutritionist, I lost thirty pounds in three weeks. (I went from 150 to 120 pounds).

Her plan: eat nothing each day but six ounces (three for lunch and three for dinner) of skinless chicken breasts cooked with no oil and no salt (yum) and two quarts of water with the juice of fresh orange squeezed into it. Coffee was OK, but it had to be brewed, not instant. No oil was allowed, not even in hand soap or face cream.

I got pretty creative with the chicken breasts. I could “fry” a piece with a little water in a frying pan, put a clove of garlic in the pan for flavor. Or another great dish, same deal but with a sprinkle of curry powder or a little tarragon. And you can always squeeze a few drops of orange juice from a fresh orange if you are craving something sweet.

Day one is just the water/orange juice to kick start the system. I know this sounds awful, but really after the first day, you aren’t very hungry. It is a ketosis diet and you actually are “burning” your own fat to live on. You have to check your urine every day with a keto stick. As long as the stick turns purple, you are doing it right.

My husband of five years totally freaked out and I wound up losing him too. I told everyone I actually lost 184 pounds, if you counted him. (Some men can’t handle the fact that their wife is now attractive to other men). All for the best.

I went from a size fourteen to an eight. When I started I bought a pair of white Diane von Furstenberg jeans size eight. The first day they fit from the ankles to the knees. After a week I got them half way up my thighs and by the end of three weeks, totally zipped and buttoned. My own gynecologist didn’t recognize me on New Years Eve.

This is probably not a very healthy diet to go on when you are 72 years old. But I am tempted. I don’t know if I could give up face cream for three weeks but I think vaseline is allowed.

The problem is that I don’t exercise. If you exercise that burns up calories and increases your metabolism. Hmmm.

I bought an exercise ball, which is now sitting in my bedroom. It blocks my door to the closet and is generally a big pain. I have a nifty little wheel with handles to roll on the floor. This is good for tightening tummy muscles. Unfortunately I haven’t used it yet.

My biggest concern is that my boyfriend weighs less than I do, and he is four inches taller. His secret: he eats a very healthy diet low in fat and he exercises regularly by swimming a mile or two three times a week and walking an hour or so on the alternate days.

Oh well, since my idea of exercise is shopping faster, I guess this plan of his is not for me.

 

Going to the Movies in 2010

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Could they make the print a little smaller?

 

I remember when the movie theaters were very beautiful. There were velvet seats and velvet curtains. Huge columns rose from the floor to the ceiling and there were angels and cupids carved into the walls. Now the theaters are very plain with zero decor and no curtain at all.

There used to be beautiful music playing as you waited for the movie to begin. In Hawaii at the Waikiki theater, there was a live organist who entertained the audience as they were being seated by ushers with flashlights. (Now people play with their phones up until showtime).

There were concrete palm trees lit from below. As the lights dimmed, the ceiling/sky filled with stars and it was truly magical.

The Waikiki theater was very swanky. You had to wear shoes. The most expensive tickets were $1.25, but if you sat in the first six rows it was cheaper. I always sat in the sixth row.

There was one show per theater per week but there were several movie theaters in Hawaii. Showtimes were at one, three, seven and nine. That’s it. (Popcorn cost 10 cents)

Yesterday I went to the movies with my daughter and two grandchildren. It has been a while since I went to a children’s movie with children.

First of all it was my daughters’ “treat”. However one adult, one senior and two kiddie tickets cost close to $30. Then to the popcorn stand. Three kiddie popcorn/drink/candy combos and one popcorn/drink combo later, another $30. How do people do this?

The movie ‘Tangled’ which is the story of Rapunzel jazzed up for today, was very well done. The animation was remarkable.

As it was Black Friday and so many people were shopping, there was lots of available parking and many empty seats in the theater. Pretty amazing for such a good movie.

I remember when the movies started with a newsreel and then a cartoon. Now it is a whole bunch of commercials. First was an ad for Fandango. Then on and on.

Geico has the same ad in theaters that they have on TV, this little piggy going wee wee wee all the way home. Allstate had an ad with a man smashing into someone’s windshield. Honda showed a mini van with butterflies fluttering about as pigeons pulled down the seats, while Lincoln had a car that talks to you.

Glade featured their new winter fragrance of apple/cinnamon which was so wonderful that the snowman in front of the house came to life. Of course there also were ads for Coca Cola and Orville Redenbacker popcorn .

Today I went to see a movie I really wanted to see called ‘Burlesque’ starring Cher and Christina Aguilara. Very good dancing and singing. The commercials from yesterday were the same with the addition of a very adult product. (No, not Viagra)

The sexy commercial was for something called Body Heat, which is a man’s cologne. The scene was a dressing room in a department store. A very well built black man (with six pack abs) and a beautiful white woman were trying on clothes together (sure) and when she smelled his fragrance they went into a wild embrace and while you could only see their legs entwined, they backed up into the wall.

Ten minutes of commercials were followed by previews of up and coming films for the next two or three months. None of these could be fast forwarded, nor could the volume be turned down.

We used to like to go to a double bill. Two for the price of one. Now, there is no such thing. The movies don’t even line up time wise so you couldn’t see two in a row if you wanted to.

With sixteen theaters to choose from, you would think someone would have thought of this. Actually there are not that many movies playing, because the same movie starts at one, one thirty and one forty. Why?

The good news is you can now order your tickets on Fandango, you can get the showtimes on your mobile phone, and there are even restrooms for families. This last one is a great idea. I remember forty three years ago how difficult it was taking my nine year old son to the ladies restroom at the movie theater.

Of course you have to turn your phone off before the movie begins. The hardest part is remembering to turn it back on when the movie is over.

Something we don’t have in Hawaii, that I miss from living in Las Vegas: rocking chair seats. In the movie theaters in Las Vegas every other row has seats that rock back and forth. Very nice. Now if they just had massage chairs to sit in while you watched the movie, that would be perfect.

 

Making doll clothes

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A pareo for my granddaughter and one for her American Girl doll

It’s been a long time since I made doll clothes. I used to sew them for my daughters’s Barbies back in the sixties. There were patterns to cut out and it was very complicated with little zippers. Velcro had not been invented yet.

The hardest outfit was a Barbie bridal gown. I remember buying the satin and lace and the tiny buttons. I think it took me a week to sew and probably cost $20 back in 1965.

This time it was easy. Living in Hawaii, I have a nice collection of pareos, two yards of fabric to wrap and tie. So I decided to cut up one and make half for Cami and another one for her American Girl doll. The idea is to have matching outfits for the child and her doll. Cami is coming to Hawaii for Thanksgiving this year and I’m sure she will bring her American Girl doll with her.

The dolls are $100, the clothes are mostly around $30-$50 and of course you have to get the matching outfit for the owner of the doll.

These matching pareos cost zero. Unless you count the original pareo which I probably wore for at least five years. I doubt if it cost more than $10 max. And of course the sewing machine for the edges.

After making these, I realized I had a piece of fabric left over, so I made a pareo for Barbie as well.

While searching for things in my drawers, I found an old pair of black leather gloves that were too small. Two fingers cut off made great black leather boots for Barbie. If you are a purist and must have high heel boots, you can glue a little heel on the bottome. Use a pencil eraser painted black with black nail polish.

If you are feeling creative, look in your dresser drawers and your broken costume jewelry drawer and you will be amazed at what you can recycle.

Barbie’s pareo

Two for the Price of One, and Other Good Things

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Two for the price of one

Thanksgiving Day and the huge newspaper came this morning. All the Black Friday specials were being touted. I looked through all the flyers and found my favorite kind of sale. Buy one, get one free. (I also like gift with purchase).

The day after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year. Every year it gets earlier and ealier. Macy’s is opening at four am, most stores open at five am. Toys are Us is opening at 10 pm on Thanksgiving Day and of course Walmart is open 24/7.

I feel so sorry for the salespeople who have to work those ridiculous hours and still be cheerful and efficient. Of course, not all salespeople are cheerful or efficient. There are one or two stores that have very well trained sales help. Sephora comes to mind. Other than that it is hit and miss.

A few stores had Thanksgiving specials and I took advantage of the sale at Walgreens. They had a few of their As Seen on TV items on a ‘buy one, get one free’. They had something I thought was so cute. Silicone cake pans that are in the shape of a giant cupcake and a giant donut. $21.99 each, but today only, two for $21.99.

How could I resist? They will be fun to have for a special holiday or birthday party. Speaking of parties, it was fun to have the whole family together for Thanksgiving.

My dinner last night was a success. Everything was delicious and the best part is the fact that my daughter cleaned up the kitchen. I had planned to spend the whole day today doing just that, but instead I was able to put away the Thanksgiving decor and work on setting up Christmas decorations. (No rest for the weary).

Luckily we don’t celebrate Chaunaka, as that is next week and it would be hard to fit that in, as the Christmas tree is arriving the day before Chaunaka begins.

Yes, I know the title of this blog is Money Saving Secrets of a Hawaiian Jewish Princess, but growing up in Hawaii with very non religious parents, in an almost 100% Christian community, going to a Christian school, and not even knowing I was Jewish till I was about twelve years old meant we never celebrated any Jewish holidays.

My daughter and son in law honor all the Jewish holidays. They are both active in their community and include their Jewish and non Jewish friends in their festivities. I am really happy that my grandchildren are growing up in a home where the Jewish holidays are celebrated, as well as Christmas and Easter with their friends.

Plus they go to a great public school. There are classrooms for the regular grades one through six and there is a special section for children with severe disabilities such as cerebral palsy. These classrooms are equipped with special computers and equipment for their needs.

Every Friday, which is art and music day, the special education children attend classes they would normally be in with their age group. The children learn to get along and accept each other despite their differences.They become friends and learn understanding and compassion as part of their daily lives.

I think this is a remarkable program and only wish all children had an opportunity to experience something like this.

 

Turkey Day!

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No one ever said I was a Neat Cook

Today my daughter, her husband, my two grandchildren and my boyfriend are coming for Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, I know it is a day early, but it is what it is.

They arrived in Hawaii last night and as Sherry grew up here, her best friend lives here and is having Thanksgiving dinner on the Real Day, so we chose to have another one the day before.  Fine with me.

As you can see from the photos, I am a very messy cook. Plus trying to make pecan pie from scratch, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and sweet potato casserole all in a condo size kitchen is not easy.

Oh, I forgot, two kinds of fresh cranberry sauce. One ‘raw’ and one cooked. The cooked one is called the New Cranberry Sauce. It is made with chopped onion, garlic, a bag of fresh cranberries, sugar, ginger, cranberry juice and an apple chopped up when all this is thickened.

My sister likes the jellied one in the can, but to me homemade cranberry sauce is a must.

Luckily I made the pumpkin pie last night. (And made the pie dough last week and froze it). I defrosted the ball of dough in the fridge overnight.

I did the pie method differently. Before I actually baked the pie, I first rolled out the crust, put it in the pie dish, lined it with another pie pan filled with rice and  baked the crust for half an hour at 350, removed the pie tin lining and then baked it another five minutes. This is called a Blind Bake. Cool, fill, and bake as usual. End result is a very flaky crust.

I made the traditional pecan pie from the recipe on the Karo syrup bottle, but my girlfriend Sharon gave me the idea to add a shot of Jack Daniels to the filling. I don’t know what amount a shot is, so I put in two tablespoons. I can’t wait to try that.

I got all the cooking done by noon and then realized that my building announced that they are shutting off the water between twelve and two today. Great.

So I left the big mess and was just doing things that didn’t require water. (Like emptying the garbage). Out of habit, I went to the sink to wash my hands and guess what? Water. So I cleaned up the dishes, ran the dishwasher and now will take a nice bubble bath.

For the table cloth I used an authentic piece of tapa cloth made in Fiji. I thought it would give a South Seas touch to the dinner. I had some tapa left over after cutting a circle, so I made matching napkin rings by covering  paper towel rollers and cutting them in sections. (Very Martha Stewart).

The good news is my sister is picking up the dinner rolls and all I have left to do is the green beans and the gravy.

I sent the above photos to my boyfriend and he is so observant. His reply: “Where is your favor?”

 

Wonderful Stuffed ‘Drumsticks’

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Me with meat pounder/tenderizer

Nobody in my family eats the drumsticks. They look cute on the turkey, but I usually wind up throwing them away. A few years ago I came upon a solution.

This is a lot of work and a big mess, so I don’t do this very often, but I decided to make this delicious dish for this years Thanksgiving feast. You have to do this a day or two before the big Turkey Day, because you will be making broth for the stuffing and the gravy out of the pieces you are not using for this dish.

The end result is perfect little turkey rolls made out of the meat from the drumstick. stuffed and rolled like little egg rolls and roasted. Here is how you do it.

First you have to cut the drumsticks off the turkey. This is best done by cutting a slit up the back of the leg through the skin. Do not cut into the skin on the front of the drumstick. You will leave this big piece of skin that once covered the drumsticks, attatched to the turkey and sort of tuck it around. Otherwise you will have two huge gaping holes in your turkey.

Bend the legs backward and cut off at the joint. You now have two skinned drumsticks. Cut along the bone with a sharp knife and separate the meat from the bones. You will have a piece of meat about 3 inches by 6 inches. Cut this into thirds. Now you have six little rectangles of meat. But wait, there are all these white tendons sticking out all over and on the backside a tough membrane all over the meat.

Cut out all the tendons and membrane with a scissors and a sharp knife. Then take the meat pounder and give each piece a few whacks on both sides. If you don’t have a meat pounder, you can use the back of a heavy knife.

I told you this makes a big mess.

Now put the six little rectangles of meat back inside the turkey cavity to rest with the seasonings that you have rubbed all over the inside and outside of your turkey. (I use a lot of fresh thyme, crumbled all over and under the skin).

At this point you can make your turkey broth. Take all the drumsticks, meat shreds, neck and the ‘pope’s nose’ and bring to a boil. All this brown scum will appear on the top of the water. Drain and rinse off the meat and bones.

In a clean pot pour some olive oil and stir a chopped up onion, carrot, parsnip and two cloves of garlic. Add the meat and bones and two mason jars full of water. Season with salt and a dash of cinnamon. Boil for a couple of hours, strain and pour into two mason jars.

Refrigerate and the next day remove the layer of fat from the top of the broth. Voila. Fat free broth to use in your stuffing and gravy.

When you make your stuffing, lay the six meat rectangles on a piece of waxed paper, spoon some stuffing on each one, roll and secure with toothpicks. Sprinkle with a little salt and pepper and drizzle with some olive oil.

Roast around the turkey or on a separate pan. It only takes an hour or so to cook these and they make great  pre dinner snacks with drinks.

If you cut each of the six rolls in half, you can eat two now and still have ten on a plate to serve to your guests. I guarantee even those who say they don’t like ‘dark meat’ will love these.

 

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